What the Hell is Going On?
by Spectre.of.Apples
Summary: What are you supposed to do when the man you hated the most suddenly appears out of nowhere, throwing around the 'come hither' eyes? Why, you consult your inner. Most of the time. minor!ItaNaru SPOILERS one shot


**I ish back! :D I know you all missed me, yes!**

**Warnings: ItaNaru, onesidedSasuNaru, humour, REALLY AU, Minor swearing**

**DO NOT READ IF YOU HAVE NOT READ LATEST CHAPTERS OF NARUTO. But read if you don't care anyway.**

**Me: Well, this was supposed to be a serious fic, but somehow turned out like it did.**

**Kyouya: So...it became...fucked up?**

**Me:...Pretty much.**

**Hikaru: *Snickers***

**Me: Come here, you sexy beast! *glomps Hikaru***

**Disclaimer: *bursts into tears* The lady at the airport who speaks illegitimate English confiscated my mini Sasuke's katana and mini chakra blade! AND my scissors! *sniffles* I only have Muugen and Allen's left arm...I DO NOT OWN NARUTO!**

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><p>Sasuke couldn't believe his eyes. Were they already faltering? He rubbed them and looked again, but the image did not change.<p>

His brother, _who he killed_, was alive and flirting with his ex-best friend/rival, Uzumaki Naruto. Very outrageously, he might add! Naruto was blushing bright red, giving the long-haired ninja a questioning glare. Itachi, plainly, was giving him the 'come hither' eyes.

Very suddenly, in the middle of the street, Itachi picked Naruto up, mumbling something to him.

"N-NANI(1)?" Naruto shrieked. "NO, PUT ME DOOOOOWWWWN!" Itachi ignored him and leaped off, to Kakashi's half-amused, half-exasperated shake of his head.

Sasuke, however had gone pale. Well, paler.

"Sasuke?" Karin asked, pushing her glasses up. Because if you watched the Japanese with English subs, the only bitch who calls him Sasuke-kun is Sakura. The lying bitch.

Anywhore(2), Sasuke shook his head slightly. "What?" He snapped, because Sasuke is emo like that.

Suigetsu grinned and leaned sexily on a random boulder, sipping a drink. "Jealous?" He sneered, because Suigetsu is awesome like that.

"My birds are telling me Itachi is alive." Juugo said airily, because he seems so chill like that.

"Ooh!" Suigetsu perked up. "Drama~!" He sang, grinning madly.

"And he ran off with the Kyuubi Jinchuuriki(3)." Juugo added, staring at Suigetsu creepily, just because he can.

Suigetsu cackled. "I guess villains need some action too sometimes, huh?" Sasuke gave him a scathing glare. Which is much more effective as a deterrent than the Uchiha Death Glare™, which TOTALLY deserves capitals. That Death Glare only has his fan girls *coughSakuraandKarinHACK* swarming around his feet, drooling and offering themselves. Stupid girls. Sasuke felt like pouting, but that had the same effect. He cursed his good looks once again as he absentmindedly flipped his hair.

Randomly, Suigetsu decided to sing Russian Unicorn(4). "We'd prob'ly do it on the couch, while my roomies out hikin'!" He sang loudly, swinging his hips. "…When I count to three dismount!" He gave a pelvic thrust and millions of fan girls orgasmed. "Oh yeah." He said, grinning.

Karin smacked him on the back of the head. "You idiot, Suigetsu!" She growled.

Sasuke was thinking over the night Itachi murdered their clan…and what he thought had made him do it.

Itachi and Sasuke were walking together, when they came across a random cactus. "Now Sasuke," Itachi began, smiling, "don't touch that cactus!(5)" Sasuke, being only six, thought Itachi was teasing and glomped the cactus, proceeding to cry out in pain. Itachi's face screwed up in something like pain or horror or a mixture of both. "You're dead to me. And, by extension, so it the clan." He said, glaring before running off, sobbing about little brothers being mean and not respecting their older brother's orders.

Sasuke sighed and closed his eyes. He should've listened to Itachi! What a stupid little brother he was. "I'M SORRY!" Sasuke suddenly shrieked, running off.

Taka blinked. "Okay…" Suigetsu said. "Quick, to the Sasuke-mobile!" A random, spinning effect made them all fall over. "What the hell was that?" Suigetsu said angrily.

"Raven decided to mess with our minds because she is the almighty." Juugo said wisely.

"Juugo?"

"Hm?"

"Stop breaking the fourth wall."

Juugo sighed, defeated. "_Fine_." He sounded like a petulant child. "What else are we gonna do, though?" He asked.

"Suddenly switch to a different POV?"

"Sure, but the problem with that is-"

Kakashi was giggling like a pervert. A _very satisfied_ pervert. Sure, Itachi had successfully kidnapped Naruto and had taken him…somewhere…but this was just too grand. Poor widdle Shashuke-chan was _jealous_. Or confused. Or surprised. Or angry. Or disgusted. Or some weird mutation of all those feelings. Kakashi didn't really care, but watching Sasuke run across a rooftop certainly _was_ entertaining, especially when the teen tripped and fell from the roof, creating a small crater and making some women scream in fear. He staggered upright, blew off a random fireball and jumped away, amidst some giggling and screaming of pain. Looks like he caught someone with the jutsu. Oh well. Kakashi chuckled and took out his book of the most fabulous por-uh-_literature_ and began beaming, following the trail of destruction. From Sasuke. He gave up somewhere halfway to the mist village and headed back to Konoha, sighing and wishing he had stopped sooner. There were no good towns around here. Oh well. There was always-

Tsunade was fuming. Not just fuming, either. She was cranky, angry, pissed, annoyed, irritated, etc.

And all because of some stupid Uchiha. Uchiha Itachi, to be more exact. The stupid bastard refused to continue to play dead and decided to come back to life. Wah! So much paperwork! Damn Uchiha.

Tsunade took out a bottle of sake from her secret and sighed in satisfaction – until the bottle exploded. And she shrieked. "DAMN YOU, AUTHORESS!" She screamed in frustration. Somewhere in a sunny place, a black-haired teen chuckled darkly.

And so they all lived happily ever after, excluding Sasuke. Itachi and Naruto found out they could have man-babies and decided to live forever together and have many little children. Tsunade didn't quit Hokage until she was almost dead and even then she dragged it out, only granting Naruto title of Hokage when he was literally begging on his knees. It was difficult too, considering he was weighed down with his and Itachi's man-babies. Sakura and Hinata mysteriously died and nobody questioned the authoress as she sneakily sneaked a blood-soaked knife behind her back, grinning widely. Ino was left Shikamaru, who couldn't be bothered to choose between her and Temari and started a harem, which Neji suspiciously joined, along with Gaara. Choji opted out, saying he was having a secret affair with his chips, which also nobody questioned. Things work out that way.

Minato, under suspicious circumstances, came back to life and announced his happiness at Naruto being able to have man-babies, deciding not to kill the Uchiha, only because Naruto begged him not to, as Itachi paid most of the child support. And he loved him. Sure.

Kakashi came home to the village with Tobi from Akatsuki in tow, who was humming happily. Minato squinted at the man and identified him immediately as Obito. Tobi, or Obito, whipped off his mask dramatically, showing a bandage over his right eye. They all had a teary reunion, which was interrupted again when Kushina popped up, announcing her undying love to Minato, who happily reciprocated. They were married, after all. She expressed delight and blubbering happiness at Naruto's man-baby capabilities and suspicion at Itachi, loudly declaring she did not like him one bit.

Sasuke was doomed to be himself, living a life full of misery, he died a very lonely death, with Naruto having forgotten about him.

**_THE END_**

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><p><strong>(1) If you don't know what this means, GTFO, bitches!<strong>

**(2) Ray William Johnson, ladies. I DO NOT OWN**

**(3) If you don't what the Kyuubi is and if you don't know what a Jinchuuriki is, see 1.**

**(4) LOOK IT UP! On YouTube! :D I DO NOT OWN**

**(5) asdf movie! RARGH! I DO NOT OWWWWNNNN!**

**REVIEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!**


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